I remember standing there looking at her naked body as she lay on my bed. I knew what was coming. At least I hoped. But all the excitement and anticipation did not diminish a low voice inside my head. This isn’t my wife.

I cannot describe the emotion floating through me as guilt. My wife passed away over two years ago. But there was a flinching moment when I wondered if I was doing something wrong. As I undressed more thoughts:

How do I look?

What if I do something wrong?

What would my kids say?

Can I still perform?

Do I need a condom?

How do I start?

I was nudged from my self-centered thoughts by hands touching me in a new and very stimulating fashion. As I started to give in to the sensation, my head flooded again with a thought that almost deflated me. What if things don’t go perfectly? What if I don’t …

Thankfully, she sensed my concerns and whispered how much she wanted to be close. From there on I relaxed and went forward with my first time … in a long time.